LotR-A Middle-earth Musical OPEN

[MajahTR]

Lord of the Rings
A Middle-earth Musical

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Written by: J.R.R. Tolkien
Bastardized by: Iarwain Ben-adar
Starring: Anyone who wants to make a fool of themselves
Orch-estra: Various and sundry dark minions who have managed not to eat the instruments yet.
Orch-estra Director: The witch King of Angmar.
Music by: Many other really talented people.
Words to songs by: Many people.
Concept: Iarwain (I'm gonna get sued) Ben-adar.
Sets and design: Kayla my four year old niece and her *24 color box of crayolas
*(Minus one color which she ate.)
Transportation and accommodations by Wainriders inc.
Special thanks to J.R.R. Tolkien, Christopher Tolkien, T.M.E. 2, Tolkien's Ring, and a list much too long to finish here of supporters and friends who have inspired such a parody. I really have a profound respect for the works, but every now and again...
(Copyright 2004; pending several infringement hearings, of course.)

original post by Iarwain[/center]

[MajahTR]

The Rules and how this works ect.

1. I’m the director, so I make the call.
2. Any complaints about how a scene was played out, or suggestions see rule # 1.
3. Anyone can add a song, but you must wait for the song cue, which will be a green word at the end of the text.
4. This is an open parody, but don’t plagiarize. I look many places and read many publications; including Mad, and Cracked magazine so I’ll know. Don’t Plagiarize!
5. The song must be current to the narration, no out of context material, as it will be cut.
6. I will be the narrator, although some latitude will be open for scene description, and dialogue between characters I must ask you to allow me to navigate the speed at which this piece moves. Any problems with this see rule # 1 for clarification.
7. Some people will over time be assigned a particular character due to their penchant for that personality, or ability to create an excellent parody. These person’s web names will be written in green (your name) to cue their song.
8. Be silly, be fun, be slightly lewd, but no profanity! &%^$$## works just fine to get the meaning across.
9. As was mentioned earlier I am the narrator, I will set the scene in a lovely, tranquil, blue text, but it will be up to you to describe the scene before you begin the parody number; Who’s singing, how many, are they dancing, what the set looks like, ect.
10. It was the color black that Kayla ate, she thought it was licorice, (Any philistines see the introduction) hence we have no color black in the musical for sets and costumes. Black is a non-existent anyway so we will have to improvise.
11. Have fun!

original post by Iarwain

[MajahTR]

So this is the first of hopefully many funny scenes, use this minus the narration for your guide.

Act I
Scene I
Many ages ago before the motorcar, and areoplane shrunk the world. Before the telephone and the telegraph. Befor Rogers and Hammerstien, there was Middle-earth.
This is a tale of Middle-earth's Third Age and the great War of the Ring.

The curtain opens and the lights shine on a lone Elf Queen clad in a flowing white gown. The Orc-estra begins to play and the Elf Queen takes up the tune:
(As sung to the Brady Bunch. {A 1970s American sit-com})

[Here's the story of three young Elf Lords,
who were playing with three very lovely rings.
All of them were made of gold like sixteen others,
but they were ruled by one.

Here's the story of the Dark Lord Sauron,
who was busy collecting all these rings.
He had yet to get the Elf's and One other
and the power they'ed bring.

Then the one day when the Dark Lord heard "The Shire"
and he knew that it was much more than a hunch.
so he turned his reddish eye within the fire
and called the Nazgul Bunch!

The Nazgul Bunch!
The Nazgul Bunch!
We were sent to get the Ring The Nazgul Bunch!]

Suddenly before the Elf Queen can clear off the stage nine riders horses clad all in pink upon chartreuse steeds, galloped over her leaving only Elf goo in a trampled white rag. All the while the Pink Riders chanting "The Nazgul Bunch" in nine part disharmony.

Iarwain 4/3/04

[MajahTR]

The curtain closes and then re-opens to a bright view of grass covered hills and a small village. (Dwarves are Us stage hands man there quick huh?).

Far into the West away from the brutal and savage lands of Mordor and its belching smogs, there lie The Shire. With The Shire's Emission Control Laws, Sauron might have seen through the smog of Mordor much earlier, but that's another story. Anyway, things were warm and friendly in The Shire and it was populated by Hobbits

[MajahTR]

Act 1
Scene 2

The green and lush Shire comes into view...we hear a lilting tune as the gentle, peaceful hobbit folk go about their daily business.
We hear a singing call from one of our little friends which is echoed in answer by another. And then if on cue (and i guess they are?) all the wee folk break into song...
(Sung to the song Hi-Ho from Disney's Snow White)

Hi hoooooooooooooooooooe echo:High hoooooooooooooooooooooe

Hi ho hi ho we’re really dorks we know
We sit all day and eat and play
Hi ho hi ho hi ho

Hi ho hi ho
Don’t bother us you know
We don’t like strangers with adventures
Hi de hid e ho

Hi hoooooooooooooooooooe echo:High hoooooooooooooooooooooe

Hi ho hi ho we will shut up now Joe
Just go away and make our day!
Hi ho hi ho…..


Majah 4/3/04

[MajahTR]

Yes indeed, I'm afraid that's how Hobbits really behave.

A creaking sound is heard and a horse drawn cart with a man clad in Grey slowly makes its way across the stage.
Why look it's Gandalf! Gandalf the Grey (hence the grey clothing). Why if you knew only a fraction of what I know of Gandalf. Like that time in Bree out behind the Seven-Eleven after he had drank nine bottles of Dorwinian wine and had seven Mirovuor shots he....well perhaps that story is best left for some other time.
Anyway Gandalf came to The Shire today to celebrate the Birthday of one of the most famous Hobbits of all. Bilbo Baggins.


The cart pauses and Gandalf begins humming a tune;

[MajahTR]

Act 1
Scene 3

Gandalf continues to hum, while smoking his pipe, and sending smoke rings cascading over the hills. Frodo jumps on his wagon, they both wink and nod to each other, and begin to sing: (done to Munchkin Land/Wizard of Oz)

Gandalf:
Come out, come out, wherever you are and meet the young Hobbit, who must travel far.
He is very brave, and traveling far, Mordor, he says, is the name of the land.
Hobbits:
Mordor, he says, is the name of the land.
Gandalf:
He brings you good news. Or haven't you heard?
When he inherited the One ring,
A miracle occurred.
Frodo:
It really was no miracle. What happened was just this.
The wind began to switch - the Ring to itch and suddenly the Nazgul started to unhitch.
Just then the WitchKing - to satisfy an itch went flying on his Fell Beast, thumbing for a hitch.
Hobbits:
And oh, what happened then was rich.
*The Ring began to itch. The WitchKing took a slitch.
It landed on the South Farthing in the middle of a ditch,
Which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.
*The Ring began to itch. The WitchKing took a slitch.
It landed on the South Farthing in the middle of a ditch,
Which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.
... Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.
Hobbit #1
We thank you very sweetly, for unmounting him so neatly.
Hobbit #2
You've lost him so completely, that we thank you very sweetly.
Gandalf:
Let the joyous news be counted, The Wicked WitchKing is now unmounted!

Fangorn 4/3/04

[MajahTR]

The curtain closes as the cart makes its way up the hill towards Bag End.
The curtain reopens and we see a lone Hobbit inside a warm Hobbit hole.

Ah, and here's the Birthday Boy himself, one Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo had lived in The Shire many years and this being his hundred and eleventieth birthday he felt it was time for a change. Bilbo was a most uncommon Hobbit having had an adventure or two earlier in his life. Seems he had come accross a magic Ring in his travels and now it seemed to haunt his every thought.

[MajahTR]

Act 1
Scene 4

Sitting there Bilbo's thoughts turn to one time when he slipped the Ring on for some fun...(Sung to Just Me and My Shadow)

Me and my Ring
Sitting in my Hobbit hole
Me and my Ring
Only to me it will speak too

And when it's twelve o'clock
I’ll slip it on
On round doors knock
A fun little con

Just me and my Riiiiing
Never alone, I have you

Me and my Ring
Sitting in my Hobbit hole
Me and my Ring
Only to me it will speak too

Then hide around the block
I'll keep it on
Oh what a shock
A fun little con

Just me and my Riiiiing
Never alone, I have you

Desi 4/6/04

[MajahTR]

The scene of the Hobbit hole includes a portion of the front door and we see Gandalf pull up to the front and slide from his cart staff in hand.
He knocks loudly open Bilbo's closed green door with the butt of his staff.
Knock, knock, knock!

[MajahTR]

Act 1
Scene 5

After knocking on Bilbo's door with his staff, Gandalf turns and looks over the neighborhood. He notices hobbit children playing kick the can, roll the hoop, and hide and seek. The adult hobbits are all busy in their yards mowing lawns, gardening, or washing their ponies and pony carts. Each yard seems to be carrying on as if it was a normal weekend in Hobbiton suburbia, however, something big has been planned!

Gandalf hums and sings to the tune of "Pleasant Valley Sunday" by The Monkeys.

Sam Gamgee is proud today because his roses are in bloom
And Lobelia S-B is so serene she's got silver sthingys in every room.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Hobbits do not complain about how hard life is
Under the Party Tree a special event has been planned.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

The local inhabitants down the street are trying hard get an invite
To Bilbo Baggin's huge gala birthday bash.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

The Gaffer is down the street at The Ivy Bush filling everyone in.
He has been the gardener for old Bilbo for many a long year.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Bilbo Baggins who never ages, will finally be eleventy-one
And nephew Frodo will come of age at thirty-three

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Gandalf has arrived to help brighten up the party plans
Magical, colorful fireworks from the tip of his wand.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Rich and peculiar Bilbo has many surprises planned.
Carts of food, drink, and presents have been arriving all week..

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Bilbo Baggins soon will need a change of scenery
He will depart humming the tune of the Walking Song.

Another Hobbiton Sunnendei
Cooking fires burning everywhere
Rows of hobbit holes that are all the same
And no one seems to care.

Stormrider 4/7/04

[MajahTR]

Hearing the knock at the door and the voice behind it, Bilbo rushes to open it. The two old friends survey one another for a moment.

Yes, old friends they are for it was one of Gandalf's adventures which allowed Bilbo to find the Ring.

The lighting dims and turns a to a pale blue spotlight as both Gandalf and Bilbo have a flashback. Thirteen Dwarves join the two in the center stage and the band begins with the Dwarves braying a rhythmic chant.
As sung to "Centerfold" J. Geil's Band from the Flashback album.

(Dwarves): Nah-nah nahnah nah-nah nah nah nah nanana-nah nah nah, nah-nah nahnah nah-nah nah nah nah nanana-nah nah, ect.
(Dwarves): He has blazed!
He has raged!
With him Dwarves can't compete!
That nasty Fire Drake Smaug who had cast Thrain from his seat!

He was hot as molten iron.
No one could ever tame,
The viscious Uruloki who put all the Dwarves to shame!

(Gandalf):
The years went by I met with Thorin in a pub in Bree,
and heard a plot of vengence yet they needed a fourteenth!

(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):
Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!
(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):
Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!

(Gandalf):
Slipping through a Troll made net,
hanging at Rivendell was the best.
Getting lost in Goblin Town is when he made his find.

(Bilbo):
I was shaking in Gollum's lair,
I just wanted out of there.
That riddle competition just about cost my life.

That soft glowing Ring of gold,
my fingers happened to touch,
struck me with a question for Gollum was too much!

(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):
Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!
(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):
Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!

(Bilbo):
The Ring fit well upon my hand,
invisible I made my stand.
Goblins, spiders, Elves and Dwarves can't see me when its on!

I beat the Spiders fooled the Elves,
and took a barrel ride!
And made to Lonely Mountain and had a look inside.

Smaug questioned me and chided,
about his stolen cup,
But never did he realize he's up against a Baggin's luck!

(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):
Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!
(Bilbo):
My blood runs cold, I'm a burglar I've just been told!
(Dwarves):

Bilbo is a burglar, Bilbo is a burglar!

(More Dwarvish "Nah-nah" braying fading to the end.)

Iarwain 4/9/04

[MajahTR]

The lights come up the Dwaves 'exit stage left' and Bilbo and Gandalf sit down to discuss Bilbo's plans.

Yes it seems Bilbo was intent on leaving The Shire at the end of his Birthday Party. He had left everthing to his adopted nephew Frodo, but details where left to be discussed.

[MajahTR]

After much discussion, it was decided that the Ring would pass to Frodo, and that he would join Bilbo in Rivendel as soon as he was able. Little did they all know, what would soon come to pass....(The stage lights brighten, as four Hobbits start out on a bright Spring morning.....)(done to Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from the scenic Shire
with Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pip.

Frodo was from the Baggins Clan,
The Gardner brave and sure.
Four Hobbits set out that day,
For Rivendell to be sure......For Rivendell to be sure!

The journey started getting rough,
The Hobbits were soon persued.
If not for the courage of the fearless few,
The Hobbits would be Coney Stew....The Hobbits would be Coney Stew!
.
The trip hit ground on the shore of Rivendell's mighty Ford
With Mr. Frodo, The Gardner too,
The Brandybuck, and the Took
The Dunedain, Glorfindel AND this merry band,
Safe in Rivendell Vale!

Fangorn 4/11/04

[MajahTR]

A haunting shriek is heard off stage and the sound of galloping. The audience is expecting a Pink rider upon a chartreuse steed to come bursting from stage left, but instead it is Iarwain clad in yellow boots and jacket of bright blue. He stomps from stage left towards center stage and the Orc-estra pit, his face is stern as stops at the stage's edge and looms above the Witch King's back.
The Witch King stops his musical direction and turns towards the garrish figure standing behind him.
"I fear no mortal man!" The Witch King hisses in mockery as he looks up to Iarwain's face shaded by his tall brown hat.
Iarwain extends his hand in a commanding gesture, much like a teacher might waiting to receive an errant note that was being passed about by his students.
"I am no mortal man!" Booms Iarwain's voice. "I am both director and narrator, I am the cheif writer, and keeper of the pace. Hand to me now your musical score you foul Dwimmerlaik!
The Witch King hisses in agony and cringes in fear. Not even the Nine can stand against the will of a director/ narrator, he grasps the muscical score from the podium and quickly offers it to his master.
Iarwain takes the score and begins to thumb through it, as he reaches Act 1 scene 7 he sees the problem.
"Ah, Durback Bubble! He exclaims, as he sees a wad of bubble gum affixing a group of pages together. A comic of Baradur Joe and his turtle neck wearging side kick Grishnakh adrons the score on page eight, but when the page is turned it brings the score several scenes ahead to the Gilligan' Island/Rivendel parody.
"Tut tut tut," Iarwain sighs. "I suppose you brought enough for everyone Angie?"
The Witch King's face grew ashen, (If he had a face) as his gaze dropped to the ground in shame.
"No." He murmured to the floor.
"Well then your back to being an extra!" Said Iarwain with glee.
The Witch King shuffled off stage left and Iarwian hopped down to the director's podium. The audience applauded wildly as they knew well of Iarwain's avant garde musical style.
As Iarwain picked up the baton is dissolved into a smokey mist.
"No worries," He said as he plucked the blue feather from his hat and raised it to the ready. "There will be no 'Peter Jackson' rushed bubble versions here, sticky situations or not!" He added defiantly.
The score again ended with a need to wrap up the loose ends as to how the Ring would be carried to Rivendel, as well the party had yet to begin. It is here we see Bilbo addressing his peers.